Groublogpon – The Serious Blog of Groupon

We’re extremely proud to be nominated for the Crunchie for Best Internet Application. Seriously, after this, who could ever say that advertising doesn’t work?

For those who aren’t familiar, the Best Internet Application Crunchie is like winning a Nobel Prize and an Oscar and a MacArthur Genius Grant all at once—unless we don’t win, in which case it’s a meaningless, patronizing, and barbaric trivialization of our craft and whoever does win should refuse it in a gesture of solidarity to fellow entrepreneurs.

I think what makes me most proud is the quality of our fellow nominees. In particular, Yelp, whose peer reviews are part of the foundation that makes Groupon possible. But don’t worry, loyal Groupon customers: our respect for these people won’t stop us from slandering them in yet another shameless and futile quest for victory.

So I’m not going to ask you to vote for us because I don’t believe people should try to do things unless success is absolutely certain, but, you know, there’s the link back there.

We’ll be at the ceremony in San Francisco next Friday so we can lose in person and experience the disappointment which is inevitable despite our extensive emotional and rational preparation. So please, if you see me, come by and say something disparaging about Animoto, Dropbox, MOG All Access, Posterous, or Yelp.

Every year since 1978, we here at Groupon have used New Years as the impetus to find solutions to address our several, numerous shortcomings. When these solutions fail, we try them again as REsolutions. Now, for the first time, Groupon wants to reward you for sticking to your resolutions. Groupon’s New Years Resolution week, December 28th – January 3rd, will feature deals to help you stick to your goals, like personal training sessions to help you get in shape, salon deals to give you a new look, and meal delivery programs to help you spend more time with your family and more time with meal delivery men.

“Wait, but I want $10 dollars,” you say – well Groupon’s Resolution week has got you covered. Purchase any two deals during that week and we’ll reward you with $10 in Groupon Bucks, the only private currency that can be used towards the purchase of any Groupon and is accepted as cash by helicopter pilots all over the United States.

In addition to making your own life better, Groupon is partnering with the Children’s Miracle Network to help our customers improve the lives of others, as well. Visitors to Groupon can donate to the Children’s Miracle Network through their city’s home page so that their donations stay local and do not help fund secret vampire cities, like Tucson, or Anchorage, where the yetis have firmly taken over. Let Groupon help you start 2010 off right with great deals, charitable donations, and free money.

We here at Groupon High Command (located deep below downtown Chicago) are pleased to announce that we’ve recently sold our one millionth Groupon – that’s way more than 100, which is another popular number. Our millionth customer was Heather Baker of Denver, Colorado, who purchased a gourmet walking tour. To thank her, we’ll be sending her a link to this blog post.

To put our one millionth Groupon sold in perspective, it helps to understand just how big that number is. Sure, we could give you a bunch of fancy equations to show off how smart we are, but instead: If you laid all one million Groupons across the equator and then counted them, before long, you’d get to Quito, the capital of Ecuador – that’s a lot of numbers! We’d like to sincerely thank Heather and everyone else who’s purchased a Groupon for helping us reach this milestone. Each Groupon sold gets us closer to our real goal: to build a treehouse with a light-switch for the ten-year version of myself back in 1991.

This post is to acknowledge hereby the truth of the fact that Groupon has raised a bunch of money. It feels like it’s taken ages, but my original fake plan is progressing swimmingly.

So what are we going to do with the money?

• Hire a full-time conductor so we can nail the four part harmony on next year’s Christmas card
• Invest in fabricating videos that are even more slanderous than this one so we actually win some awards next year
• Donate more money to Groupon Addiction Awareness (are you among us? Call our automated hotline for help: (312) 673-1515)
• New commercials will have more fireworks
• Relocate our 120 employees to San Francisco
• Rent a monkey for the 40 million Americans currently going without
• Hiring people (seriously!)

What’s better than telling your friends about Groupon? Giving them some Groupon Bucks to spend!

Buy a Groupon Gift Card for any dollar amount and give it to a friend, your mom, your squeeze, whomever you want to give the gift of Groupon. read more »

Groupon exists for two reasons: to create serums that increase its employees’ heights and to give our subscribers all the motivation they need to go out and try something new in their city. Now that all Groupon employees are well over nine-and-half-feet tall, we’re happy to start providing even more local content from local writers who focus on what’s happening in their ‘hoods. We’re calling it “Tweets Around Town,” because all of our writers are tired.

We’ll be featuring Tweeters who write about experiences that can only be had in their hometown—dance parties, gallery openings, Bronson Pinchot impersonation conventions—right on the front page of Groupon. We’ve got a limited number of slots, so if that sounds like you, or you know someone who tweets about local events, drop us a line. Groupon is always looking for new ways to expose our readers to dangerous amounts of local activities, because houses are boring and should be left as often as possible.

–but that doesn’t stop us from making our own. After this week’s visit to St. Louis’ own Contemporary Art Museum we felt inspired to start the Groupon Cafeteria Museum of Contemporary Mind-Blowing Statements About Society. The following exhibits are currently on display (no passes or vouchers):

Last week, we asked our customers to help the Chicago Food Depository feed families in need. If donations reached $5,000 by the end of Halloween (or as the Druids called it, “Administrative Assistant’s Day”), Jim and Kay Mabie and Anne and Brent Peterson promised to match the donation. If we didn’t reach $5,000, our plan was to egg all of your houses.

Well, we are delighted to announce that you generous gentlefolk made it happen and then some. After just two days, the total came to $5,060, so the Chicago Food Depository will be receiving $10,120. That’s enough to feed 40,000 people this holiday season. Just this past year, the Food Depository distributed over 58 million pounds of food to half a million families, children, seniors, and other needy people all over the country.

Thanks to everyone who donated! We hope you’ll continue to support the Food Depository throughout this holiday season and beyond. Almost 90,000 people rely on the Food Depository for food every week, so they can always use your help.

CHICAGO, 11/2/09: Groupon — America’s premiere website for thinking about doing stuff and then deciding to do it — just turned one million subscribers old.

“When we started Groupon last November,” writes founder and haircut magnate Andrew Mason, “We had one goal in mind — Solar colonization. Did we find the sun was able to support human life? Yes, yes we did. But did we lose a lot of men to do it?

[Long silence. Mason stares out window at sun.]

“But to have our back-up plan [a website offering deals that encourage people to explore cool things to do in their city] connect with this many people in such a short time, it’s mind-blowing,” says Mason. “Hopefully, as we continue to expand and come up with new ways to engage our loyal fans, we’ll have many million more next year.”

Andrew Mason then disturbed witnesses by taking a hearty bite from his own hand, which he revealed to be a prop hand made of taffy and was unavailable for comment for the better part of an hour due to “hand re-patching.”

But Groupon is more than just America’s Best Website. We’re rolling out new features like a little invention we’re calling “Gift Cards.” As easily as purchasing a Groupon for one’s lovable self, you can pass the deals on to another, in any denomination, to be redeemed on their own next Groupon purchase. From sushi to skydiving, get your loved ones the gift they really want— a thing that they forgot to tell you what it is.

But how does giving to others help you? That’s where the referral program comes in. Subscribers can now receive Groupon credit for each friend they convince to buy a Groupon.

“Now that we have such a huge, established audience, Groupon wanted to make it easy for our fans to do their shopping during the holiday season,” said Mason, through a mouthful of taffy-hand. “And since word-of-mouth is the cornerstone to our success, it made sense to reward people for telling their friends about us.”

Groupon subscribers receive free daily emails alerting them to an exclusive deal from a top local business (restaurant, spa, indoor activity, the World’s Largest of something, etc.), but these deals only go into effect if a minimum number of people agree to buy, “just like clapping to bring Tinkerbell back to life,” adds a scientist.

This naturally encourages subscribers to share the deal with family and friends via Facebook, Twitter, yelling, and other social media tools, generating new customers as they rope in awesome friends to try new restaurants, keep each other in check with their new gym memberships, or watch each other’s backs in Laser-tag. After only a year in business, Groupon has saved its subscribers more than $26 million Earth dollars while generating much more for local businesses, and having enough left-over to construct our weather machine.

“Groupon brings buyers and sellers together in a fun and collaborative way,” said Mason, from his taffy-coma plastic detox incubator. “We offer the consumer a great deal they can’t get anywhere else and deliver the sales directly to the merchant.” Andrew Mason then exploded into a ball of white light, due to the molecular vibrations triggered by his obscene sugar consumption. Witnesses report that the phenomenon “was beautiful” and smelled “exactly like cotton candy.”

Groupon, launched in November 2008 in Chicago, features a daily deal on the best stuff to do, eat, see, and buy in major cities across the U.S., with plans to be in at least 25 cities by the end of 2009. Groupon uses collective buying power to offer unbeatable prices and provide a win-win for businesses and consumers.