Groublogpon – The Serious Blog of Groupon

This week at Groupon we traveled to Atlanta, where we unearthed evidence of a secret feud between ancient rivals:

Hawks vs. Wizards

The feud between hawks and wizards dates back millennia. Recently unearthed cobalt tablets reveal the chronology of their bitter war of magics:

200 AD: Azamoth of the Firstwind and his trusty hawk, Bringer, lay eyes on the same scrumptious cherry blossom. But before Azamoth can pop it in his mouth, Bringer snatches it from his hand and gobbles it up himself. The war is begun.

1290: The seemingly indefatigable Thunderclaw Hawkfleet, as led by General Peregrine Skychild, guard the northern sky like an impenetrable web of knives, ready to reduce any opponent to tatters—that is, any opponent they can see. Abercrombie of the Sparkling Air sneaks past them under a Guise of Refractability, carrying in the Six Forbidden Charms of Resistance, unimpeded.

1774: An unstable continent to the west becomes a refuge for desperate, emigrating hawks, many of which do not survive the transatlantic flight, despite the aid of their amulets. A bloodthirsty faction of wizards, however, is quick to follow, and the ensuing battle in the new world becomes the perfect smokescreen for the birth of a young republic.

1958 The hawks battle the wizards for the first time in human form, winning in double overtime against a coven of Stonehenge-worshipping Druids who had cleverly renamed themselves the Boston Celtics.